I haven’t felt this trapped in so long. My complete lack of motivation is only getting worse, but i have nowhere else to go. I have no desire to go “home” whatsoever, so where do I go? I am sick of most of the people around me, the scenery surrounding me, and the lifestyle I have been forced to take on is nothing short of unsatisfactory. I have only made things harder for myself. This feeling of inadequacy and squandering of the opportunities I have been given are weighing on my shoulders like lead, and I’m scared to let everybody down when i know that what i really need to do is make myself happy. This isn’t living right now, this is existing. So could I go home? Sure. It’s only a 5 hour bus ride, and then a 45 minute train ride from the city, but I don’t think that would help. There are only a few people I want to see, most include my family, and every time i go home I seem to disappoint people, and I end up disappointed. So what do I do now? I know nobody is going to read this. I just needed to get it out. I just need to clear my head (not like that ever seems to work.) I just don’t like any option I have. I would prefer not to have options because I fuck them up anyway.
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